HanaBehindCamera

"Downfall"  Ismailia 20/07/2021 8:28 PM I still can feel careless whispers all over my body. People from my past life ask how did I get here as I look up from the bottom of the well. "Can't she really climb up?"  I ask the same question they ask every day, and I never got an answer, I also wonder how did I end up here. I can see how beautiful the sky looks from here, I wonder if they appreciate it as much as I do from down here. I tried scrubbing failure and shame off my body, I tried to scrub their wonders off my skin. I ended up with open wounds, and blood dripping on the muddy ground. How does it feel to be a fallen, left out, and incapable angel? How does it feel to be Icarus? How does it feel when your limbs can no more carry you up? The arrows I used to shoot up the clouds are now raining down on me 

"Counting down"  12/07/2021 I have never witnessed lonelier days like the ones I'm living in now. I have been always lonely but I had my own ways to escape it. it's getting way too tough here that I know I'm forced to face it on my own, and I don't think my SOS screams will reach a higher level than the one they are on now. I never thought you would leave me in the middle of the ocean after starting the journey with me. I want to drown myself so much but I know the water will fill my lungs and burn me to death, and so does loneliness. it's all the same, both ends scream the end, and both ends scream death. It's so cold over here yet resentment is setting my whole soul on fire. I never had so much anger, enough to keep me warm to witness another day where the sun shines on me. Listen, if I made it out of here, I will be undefeatable, no more waves can crash me down, no more power to you to leave me powerless, no more you.

 Again, It's 14/06/2021   4:41 PM Ismailia. Who would have expected I'd be here, in this dark twisted tunnel ? Living your whole life shining makes anything less bright undesirable. I lost my vision for threats, I lost my count of time . Here, shoved in the muddy corner, on a jet black night, expecting kicks from nowhere and everywhere . Blindfolded, hearing shotguns echoing in the space, waiting for my turn to get shot , to get shot by a bullet that I can never dodge, way too late to dodge . It's ironic how good of a victim role I can act out, fool myself once , fool myself twice. Every feeling of sorrow I experience now had been destined to be mine , and only mine upon the sins I openly and freely chose to make . I shall dictate, that I, Hana , was never responsible enough to use my freedom and privilege wisely and now I'm paying the price , Now I'm forced to taste my own poison.   I keep sliding down the hill, and I forgot how it feels to be balanced . The

 It's 4/06/2021 10:58 pm Ismailia. Red flags everywhere, Pointing to just one thing. I don't want to look at it, I don't dare to look at it. I know I won't be the same if I did. They said," Face it, Look at it, Fix it, Don't run away ". I said I wasn't strong enough to do this, please, this time only, let me escape it, let me run away.   I dream of my childhood, my face that had changed, my big eyes that had got smaller, my smile that faded away and my dreams that got shot dead in the head . I can hear them talking, wondering what happened to me, what made me like this. " Tragic, She used to fly high in the sky, and now she is trying to just crawl ".   If I could go back in time just once, I'd do it, to Thank myself for how good of a person I was, to apologize for how bad of a person I am .  I sent letters to my inner child , crying out for help.  I'd always frown up at my wasted days soaring high, now I'd waste every and each day